For many years I have had thoughts and feelings about different situations or aspects of my life (potential intuition perhaps?) that I have often ignored. Recently after a few radical changes in my circumstances have been forced upon me, I have found myself looking back at these feelings and realising that I was recognising things that were happening but continually passed them off as paranoia. The trouble with paranoia is that although by definition it is the suspicion that something or someone shouldn’t be trusted, there are times when that is actually the case!

I am starting to realise that I do have quite a keen sense of what is happening around me and in that past have chose to ignore this as I didn’t want to acknowledge the bad things and perhaps didn’t want to invoke change in my life but I need to start trusting in myself more. That doesn’t mean never trust again, on the contrary, I am probably one of the most trusting people out there as I know how genuine I am and often can reflect this onto others but I am slowly starting to listen to this sense more even if it is just to prepare myself for what may be the inevitable.

I have suffered from depression myself for about 6 years and it is only this year that I have realised just how bad my condition is. I am raging a constant battle with myself, suicidal thoughts and the ‘darkside’ of me that is held by the depression. But through realising that there are parts of me that are trying to instinctively protect me and trying to listen to this side of me more, I am sure that I will win in the end.

Over analysing or continually thinking is hard to deal with and can be exhausting at times, I know but as I say there are times when it is useful and don’t ever beat yourself up about it. I have some close friends and a counsellor that I talk to when things are getting too much for me and although in most cases they may not understand (particularly those that have never suffered from depression), I do find that it does help me even it it just gets me through the darkest times to allow me to go on and ‘fight another day’

One thing I have learned from trawling the nets as well, is you are not alone, there are people that do understand and are or have gone through exactly what you are going through and like me, are more than willing to help and lend an ear if that is what is needed, or can call on their own experiences to show how they coped.

I am not going to pretend it is easy and I know there are alot of people that don’t understand (my own father used to say depression doesn’t exist. He said it is all in the mind and I used to say (to the second statement), yes dad, that is the point, it is all in the mind but noone else lives there but you!!).

As I say, try not to over-obsess over the thoughts but don’t completely discount what may inevitably be something trying to protect you from worse damage and finally, always remember, no matter how it sometimes seems, you are never alone, even strangers are just friends we haven’t met yet!)

My thoughts and strength are with you.

Kevin

…and my gut is all knotted and I can’t sleep or eat…

…and I know that black dog is going to pull me down into the big black hole…

… if I write down the movies in my head and get them out on the computer screen, they will lose their power and become words, blobs, passing away like the traffic before my eyes.

I too never trusted my thoughts. I couldn’t trust my decisions – I couldn’t make decisions.

I understand exactly how you feel.

Lots of love & courage.