Depression Blog

Today I found myself walking into hospital, no known reason but to just ask for help.

The skin on the side of my cheeks and on my hands were raw, from the constant dragging of the little I have of nails along it.

Since I can remember I have always bitten my nails aggressively, but I have started to claw my face and hands not in need of attention but to release some of the pain I am feeling.

Maybe to punish myself in some way but the feeling becomes so intense I cant stop till I draw blood. It is an escape route for me.

I tried to ask for help but instead I found myself in the chapel, asking my mum to come and help me.

But just like every other time in my life when I felt I needed her most she wasn’t there.

Although I have never been religious sometimes I find Solis in the hope she may one day answer my calls.

Maybe I’m just lost searching for someone that just isn’t there?

Today I woke dreading the day ahead, I had managed to get about four hours sleep.

I don’t know what came over me but spending time alone with my thoughts always leads to me desperately wanting someone to talk too.

I knew today just wasn’t going to go well for me, after my morning shakes and nervousness I managed to pull myself together and have a hot bath to soak away my restless night.

I find being occupied helps me but you can’t always surround yourself with people, but not just that sometimes that can add fuel to the fire.

I often end up trembling and nervous in crowd’s just wanting to escape to be alone.

People say think positive and forget the negatives but it isn’t always that easy, not in my world anyway.

No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake the feeling everyone around me is moving on with their lives and making something of themselves.

Weather it be relationship wise or family or even career I still feel I am being left behind somewhat.

I know it isn’t just me and that it is quite normal to feel like this, but my friends I went to school with are all moving on and I feel I’m stuck in a rut.

Generally feeling really unhappy about it a lot of the time, people all around me are taking risks and I’m being held back.

Just knowing I want more and knowing what it is I want makes me think maybe I will never get it if I keep letting myself be grounded.

I’m happy on my own now, could of been difficult at times being alone and having no one to cuddle.

Fortunately I have cuddles and someone to be there for me but weather we will become more than friends who knows?

At the moment I am not looking for love just someone to talk to and a friend, he seems to understand me but I have to say “Once bitten twice shy”.

I do miss my partner though, he was everything I thought I wanted until he went and changed.

Love just isn’t always enough and putting myself first and having some fun is my priority now.

Today I made a very important decision, not only will I look back with grace but I will look on the images both mentally and physically from my past as a positive thing.

I need not worry about what has been before as I have my future to approach with a more positive light.

With my illness I will always have hard times and struggle with the smaller things in life, but I believe if I try to avoid the negative thoughts and overwhelm myself with the positives then my struggle will only ever become less painful in the long run.

If I raise my spirits by looking more favourably on what I have previously seen as mistakes made in my life rather than learning curves then my outlook should gradually change.

Every year around the same date my sister’s and their children go to the crematorium to pay respect to my mother.

After 24 years I still have never been there, not even on the day when she was cremated was I was thought to be too young.

I have always been told it wasn’t a place to take a child.

My mother has little place in my memories if any at all, I was too young really to remember but when I do bring her up in conversation people always say “don’t you remember her waving goodbye to you through the curtains”?

To me a child a little under three years old has only selective memory if any at all, and even when I do think I recall something there is no way to tell if I really am.

Now I have more peace with the loss of my mother and very little resentment towards those who were fortunate enough to know her.

My one wish will always be to have her know how much I love her and always will.

Some things seem so small yet have the power to render you helpless and this is my weakness and for that I am not ever going to be ashamed.

I lost my world along time ago and now I have to rebuild what I can of my existence and find point in the puzzle which I call my life.

My heart belongs to her and until I can find my way through this then it does feel as though I have no room for anyone else.

Forever yours my darling mother.

Today I made a big decision about my relationship with my partner, something I have known for a while.

I thought he was someone he clearly isn’t and unfortunately it has taken me over 2 years to see this.

When you are desperate you realise who your real friends are and who is or isn’t worth all that much in your life.

I honestly don’t feel he has the time for me nor the patience to be there when I need him most.

Really I feel I should be more upset about this but I feel so relieved aside from anything.

No more crying about him or having him tell me I am looking at everything the wrong way in his eyes.

But now I know the only thing wrong in my life is him.