Depression Blog

I keep waking with the same bad dream, I feel I am falling and when I manage to go back to sleep I fall again.

Although I do not see anything when I fall I am quite aware I am doing it but there is no ground beneath me just a haze.

Managing my sleep is a lot easier than it used to be, as I often found myself lying awake for hours and sometimes feeling I had had no sleep at all.

I make sure I am up and moving around quite early in a morning then I keep myself busy for the day with a fairly structured routine.

It would however be quite easy to slip back into lying in till late because I feel bad some days, but it wouldn’t benefit me in the end as it would become a vicious cycle.

Structure and routine are a massive part of my life knowing what I am doing when.

This sometimes can become a pain for others though as I see my partner on certain nights a week and if for some reason he needs to change the night I can become a little uneasy about it to say the least.

But this is where I need his support and understanding and slowly I am starting to relax more about certain elements of my need for familiarity.

And although this may seem quite abnormal this is a part of my illness and one by one I will break all my boundaries because I know I am more than capable.

I want a normal life so much and do things everyone else does too.

But having this illness has distroyed most of that for me, and I cant ever see me coming out of this even half the person I was before.

Just cant help wonder what I have done so bad to have this happen to me?

I honestly dont know anyone that has suffered from this, and if they have they dont even want to share this information with me.

Sometimes I just wish I had someone who knew what I was going through, maybe then I could lay some demons to rest?

Even just to have a shoulder to cry on would be nice most times.

No matter where I go I leave a path of destruction or at least that is how it feels to me.

I try to be nice to people but I can’t help all the negative thoughts from running around my head and blurting them out.

Sometimes I feel I have very little that is nice to say about anyone, and when I do I struggle to say it anyway.

It’s like negativity is easy for me and positivity is so painful to project.

I am a very lonely and miserable person and inside all I want to do is shine.

Why do we hurt the people closest to us and expect them to understand and forgive us.

There are very few people in my life that I would say I love endlessly.

But those people are the people I hurt frequently and feel I also let down a lot, I wish that they could be the people I always made feel proud of me.

The constant reminder that I will hurt them or make them ashamed consumes me and sometimes I wonder would it be better if I let them go and protected them in this way?

What is normal?

Does anyone really feel they have a normal life, and if so how do you decipher normal?

I just want to be able to get out of bed without fearing the day ahead, and without constant worry in my life.

To be sure of what I am doing and where I am going, knowing what ever choice I make I can deal with each consequence this may bring.

A lot of the time I wish I had guidance and someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t judge me or analyse what I say.

Maybe I expect too much?

My life seems empty at the moment and I just can’t seem to get this feeling out of my head.

We all make mistakes but mine seem to rule my life from one day to the next.

Finding the strength doesn’t come easily and I just end up wallowing without even recognizing I’m doing it.

Day’s and night can sometimes feel like they last an eternity and I wish I had the ability to change this.

I want my relationship with my partner to last forever, I really do feel he is the one.

But my depression takes over sometimes and I get so mad and say things I don’t mean and just wind up pushing him away.

It’s like I can’t control what I say and do, I end up getting so mad and instead of taking time out I would rather battle.

I wish there was a way of just stopping myself before it gets this far.

Is it just me or does depression effect everyone this way?

My partner knows I write these posts and indeed we are both the brains and knowledge behind this site.

Sometimes it does worry me though, because I know I open up totally on here and with the anonymity of this site it allows me to be completely honest and true to myself.

I do disregard the fact he can read what I am writing about even if it does involve him but that is the nature of my blog; it’s honest and personal to me.

Don’t get me wrong we do talk about the way I feel and how I am coping regularly but occasionally i do wonder if he would ever worry about the things I put on here?

He is one of my support units and naivety to the way I am feeling would be wrong and although I open my soul here, I do it for the very reason that you know exactly what I am feeling however good or bad.

This site is as much about you as it is me and I am certain we can all get through this with a little help and support where needed.

Sometimes I feel so alone when I’m surrounded by people, I can’t shift the feeling that no one knows what i am going through.

I find myself sat in my local pub whilst everyone is chatting and getting drunk, and I try to hold conversation’s but if the truth be known I can’t seem to hold my concentration long enough to have any real conversation’s.

Most of the time I just simply give yes and no answer’s hoping people will just leave me alone.

There is nothing better than just soaking up the atmosphere and getting drunk with my thoughts.

Is it only in weakness we find trust or in strength does trust finds us?

I’m not someone who gives trust easily nor do I find it within myself to give second chances.

My trust issues lie deeper than most and sometimes impairs my thinking.