Depression Blog

When I need support I do have some people I can talk to. Despite this I saw a councilor today; she was nice but I’m not sure emptying my heart to a stranger is something I can do easily.

I miss certain people in my life and that is something I am supposed to be able to deal with, or at least I’m hoping time will give me that.

Although I never want to forget these people, I am afraid if I am able to deal with losing them it could lead to me forgetting them. The way they smelt, there touch and much more.

I just don’t want to explain all this face to face; particuarly with someone who doesn’t care about me and my problems.

As I sat there she was very quiet and I felt like I didn’t know where to start or even what to say. I resented her questions and was quite reluctant to respond.

I felt like I was trapped and backed into a corner, yet it was a discussion I had longed to have. I just wished it was with someone I knew would understand; someone who is not a stranger to me.

Will I ever move on without being able to open up?

No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake the thought that I am damaged goods, so no wonder I feel very low. I find myself asking why is he with me?

It’s different with your family; you know they are always going to be there for you.

But when I feel at my lowest about myself I sometimes wonder why he hangs around. I often feel like a burden to him. It is hard for me to even try to relate to how he may be feeling because I’m in such a mess within my pit of depression.

When I’m not feeling so bad, I do try to understand how my depression affects him because I know it does. I know it can’t be easy for him trying to understand how or why I feel the way I do.

Honestly, I would do anything to have a more normal life; a life with normal worries and problems. I hate that my depression and mood swings do rub off on him, but I can’t just snap out of it when I know he is coming to see me.

I wish I could shelter him from all of this; I suppose if I did then I would never know if he truly loved me for the person I am.

Sometimes my days are filled with worry and uncertainty.

Breaking this cycle isn’t as easy as some may think, and all I end up doing is getting increasingly frustrated.

I wish there was an easy way of doing this and laying my fears to rest.

When I find I’m feeling over whelmed with these thoughts I try to take myself to a happy memory from my past or a different place where I can gain comfort.

It seems silly that I’m fighting myself and having to manipulate my thought processes, but if I don’t then I would be miserable a lot of the time.

I found out recently after some time of hiding it inside that someone I called a friend was not a friend at all.

She manipulates people to get what she wants and makes people feel bad so she can get some sort of controlling feeling from it.

It did take some time of me thinking she wasn’t a very nice person before deleting her number and ignoring her calls.

I had spoken to her about things she has said and done before and she was quite flippant about it and disregarded the way she upsets people, as if it was their problem and nothing to do with her.

Sometimes I can’t help but think who needs enemies when you have friends like this?

After months of wondering if I would even be offered an interview I finally have one today.

Handing in applications and emailing my curriculum vitae are part of my every day life at the moment, but all I want is to find a job I’m happy in.

I’m sick of feeling like I’m letting everyone down by being out of work.

Not having money is a struggle for me, I want to be able to go out with my boyfriend and do things together but this is hard when you have no money.

I’m starting to realise that it is increasingly getting me down, and I feel no sense of accomplishment in my life.

I feel the need to make myself proud more than anyone else though.

Maybe this is the start I need, the one thing that will make me happy at this moment in time?

Today was the first time I have woken in a very long time and just wanted to never wake again.

I know this is a very strong thing to say and I am not seeking attention by admitting to this on my blog, but just for you to know how I feel inside.

My fear and regrets have come back to haunt me for everything bad I have done in my life and for every person I have ever hurt.

Looking on my depression as a punishment is quite normal in my eyes, I do believe in karma and the ever popular saying “you reap what you sow”.

Maybe that is my problem I feel I need punishing for something, but I cant quite put my finger on what?

Sometimes I just think this world would be a nicer place without me in it.

My neighbour has been drilling and making the most horrendous noises for most of the day and I am slowly loosing it.

All my doors and windows are shut yet all I can hear is the loudest most annoying noise.

I know it is day time but still I just feel like screaming at him, my head is pounding and I am beginning to get very upset about this.

Today I got out of bed and had a bath, and whilst doing this I told myself I must not feel negative thoughts and emotions.

Then I decided I wanted to take my dog for a stroll to get a breath of fresh air, but he just pulled my all the way which made me feel a bit down.

When I got home my dad moaned at me for about ten minutes about doing something around the house to help him and I just nodded politely and went to my room.

After about an hour of surfing the Internet I went to make myself a brew as I knew my dad had gone out to the shop so the coast was clear.

I avoid confrontation now more than I ever did before, its kind of like it scares me and I am never sure how well I would deal with these kinds of situations anymore.

This hasn’t been a bad day as I have managed to get through it without punishing myself or others for the way I feel, so all in all today has been a good day I think.

When I find it hard to carry on and I am at my worst I find thinking of all the people I would let down by letting go, but sometimes I can be selfish and think that they don’t have the struggle I do and could never understand my pain. But at what point can I do this for me?

Could I or would I ever be able to just say I am living my life and fighting this illness for me and only me.

The days are sometimes endless and I struggle to hide my face beneath the quilt, and the constant reminder of what I am facing is unbearable. So I try to hide away and sleep through my lowest thoughts and feelings, as I fear someday I may act on them.

At the moment I feel I am covered in spots all over my face, not small one’s but great big one’s all under my skin.

I’ve been really anxious for a while and I know this is bringing me out in spots and I keep getting really stressed too.

I’ve got some of this Clean & Clear Advantage quick clear spot treatment gel but I’m not sure if it is working or just irritating my skin a bit?

I can’t think of anything else that may work but it’s bringing me right down because I look awful.