Depression Blog

By nature I am a worrier. Anyone who has ever spent any length of time around me could tell you that.

When I do feel I have nothing weighing on my mind I manage to talk myself into something becoming an problem, most of the time I just incessantly worry about what could happen. I can’t remember the last time I was carefree.

Things would be so much easier if I could pin-point what triggers my worry and anxiety, I hate that it’s a big part of my life.

I used to find that I would try to problem solve in my head but then I got to realising that it was a never ending circle. It’s hard to understand constant worry unless you have been through it, my friends think I’m a constant complainer and negative person.

Sometimes I do find myself envying others, those we all know who never have a worry or care in the world. I can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to wake-up without a thousand and one things playing on your mind.

The doctor has recommended all sorts of natural remedies to help me sleep, nothing seems to work though.

I decided to seek more medical advice after months of struggling with sleep deprivation, I was advised that sleeping tablets may be something that would help.

I’m a little apprehensive about taking tablets to do something as natural as sleep, what if I get addicted and I end up relying on them?

I am a bit embarrassed at the moment as recently I have come across really needy with my partner, it’s been a rough couple of weeks for me and I’ve felt a bit all over the place.

We all have times like this but I know when I’m doing it and yet I still carry on, it’s like I have no control over myself. It all starts with me analysing everything he says to me, then I end up thinking; why would you say that?

Nothing he says or does is quite right, its really unfair of me.

Generally it is all about the - Why. Why don’t you ever buy me flowers anymore, why don’t you tell me you love me without me saying it first, why does it always feel like you have a better time with everyone but me. A continuous vicious cycle.

I have tried to talk to him about me feeling like this, when I do I end up getting defensive or just repeating myself over and over again. Although you can never be certain, I do think the bigger picture here is my own low self-esteem.

Sometimes when I am having a really good day I still feel unappreciated, it makes me really sad. In an ideal world we wouldn’t have to say anything, the other person would just know and give you that physical or mental reassurance needed.

Men are funny creatures and most of the time they are blissfully unaware of what is important to us and why it is.

I hate birthdays, there’s something quite sinister about them and it’s the very thing that makes today so much harder for me.

No one seems to understand why I would get upset today.

Even if I had achieved everything I wanted in the previous year, I doubt I’d be any happier about my Birthday. The older I get the more it haunts me and I wish everyone would just leave me alone so I can get through the day.

It would be lovely to be somewhere no one knows me and somewhere no one would care, then all those people around me wouldn’t even notice I’m there.

When I need support I do have some people I can talk to. Despite this I saw a councilor today; she was nice but I’m not sure emptying my heart to a stranger is something I can do easily.

I miss certain people in my life and that is something I am supposed to be able to deal with, or at least I’m hoping time will give me that.

Although I never want to forget these people, I am afraid if I am able to deal with losing them it could lead to me forgetting them. The way they smelt, there touch and much more.

I just don’t want to explain all this face to face; particuarly with someone who doesn’t care about me and my problems.

As I sat there she was very quiet and I felt like I didn’t know where to start or even what to say. I resented her questions and was quite reluctant to respond.

I felt like I was trapped and backed into a corner, yet it was a discussion I had longed to have. I just wished it was with someone I knew would understand; someone who is not a stranger to me.

Will I ever move on without being able to open up?

No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake the thought that I am damaged goods, so no wonder I feel very low. I find myself asking why is he with me?

It’s different with your family; you know they are always going to be there for you.

But when I feel at my lowest about myself I sometimes wonder why he hangs around. I often feel like a burden to him. It is hard for me to even try to relate to how he may be feeling because I’m in such a mess within my pit of depression.

When I’m not feeling so bad, I do try to understand how my depression affects him because I know it does. I know it can’t be easy for him trying to understand how or why I feel the way I do.

Honestly, I would do anything to have a more normal life; a life with normal worries and problems. I hate that my depression and mood swings do rub off on him, but I can’t just snap out of it when I know he is coming to see me.

I wish I could shelter him from all of this; I suppose if I did then I would never know if he truly loved me for the person I am.

Sometimes my days are filled with worry and uncertainty.

Breaking this cycle isn’t as easy as some may think, and all I end up doing is getting increasingly frustrated.

I wish there was an easy way of doing this and laying my fears to rest.

When I find I’m feeling over whelmed with these thoughts I try to take myself to a happy memory from my past or a different place where I can gain comfort.

It seems silly that I’m fighting myself and having to manipulate my thought processes, but if I don’t then I would be miserable a lot of the time.

I found out recently after some time of hiding it inside that someone I called a friend was not a friend at all.

She manipulates people to get what she wants and makes people feel bad so she can get some sort of controlling feeling from it.

It did take some time of me thinking she wasn’t a very nice person before deleting her number and ignoring her calls.

I had spoken to her about things she has said and done before and she was quite flippant about it and disregarded the way she upsets people, as if it was their problem and nothing to do with her.

Sometimes I can’t help but think who needs enemies when you have friends like this?

After months of wondering if I would even be offered an interview I finally have one today.

Handing in applications and emailing my curriculum vitae are part of my every day life at the moment, but all I want is to find a job I’m happy in.

I’m sick of feeling like I’m letting everyone down by being out of work.

Not having money is a struggle for me, I want to be able to go out with my boyfriend and do things together but this is hard when you have no money.

I’m starting to realise that it is increasingly getting me down, and I feel no sense of accomplishment in my life.

I feel the need to make myself proud more than anyone else though.

Maybe this is the start I need, the one thing that will make me happy at this moment in time?

Today was the first time I have woken in a very long time and just wanted to never wake again.

I know this is a very strong thing to say and I am not seeking attention by admitting to this on my blog, but just for you to know how I feel inside.

My fear and regrets have come back to haunt me for everything bad I have done in my life and for every person I have ever hurt.

Looking on my depression as a punishment is quite normal in my eyes, I do believe in karma and the ever popular saying “you reap what you sow”.

Maybe that is my problem I feel I need punishing for something, but I cant quite put my finger on what?

Sometimes I just think this world would be a nicer place without me in it.