Depression Blog

Me and my partner have finally made the decision to get a mortgage and move in together. We had spoken about moving out previously but it always seemed like the wrong time for one reason or another.

If I am honest I had wondered if we would ever take this step.

We made the appointment to see a mortgage advisor who we know as a friend, he was very jovial and carefree. He just wanted us to sign on the dotted line for as much money as we could get, this was frightening really.

I think we both left the appointment feeling reflective and negative somewhat, my own personal feeling was one of worry and doubt. Luckily I think fate turned a corner for us and put us in the path of another independent mortgage advisor.

This appointment was more about what we wanted and what we could afford along with some personal advice. This gave me more confidence in him as he did seem to care; he asked questions about what we wanted and what we could afford to pay back on a monthly basis.

I would love to get a £200,000 mortgage and live somewhere really lavish and picturesque; the simple fact is I couldn’t afford it. We both said “As long as we can move in now as it stands, then that’s all that matters”.

It is really exciting and I am so nervous too, it is a big step for us even though we’ve felt ready to take for a while. Both our lives are really going to change. We are going to become an adult couple in my eyes instead of a somewhat child like boyfriend/girlfriend.

You may think me silly to think like this, laying the foundations are the most important part to any stage in a relationship.

Today I decided I should put everything into learning to drive.

A lot of the people around me are driving now, I should be able to get to where I want to without relying on others. I think this will make a massive difference to my life.

I hate having to wait to be taken places and not being able to leave when I want to. Not driving has restricted my life a lot so far, I am not prepared to let it continue to have this hold over me.

By nature I am very independent in what I do and when I do it but I do feel guilty for having to depend on other people for transport.

This is my challenge I have set myself. It will take time and perseverance but I know I can do this and more importantly I need to do this for me.

When I was growing up I had this illusion, life would be simple and relatively straight forward.
The years went by and with every year cam a new set of complications and expectations.

It was then I started to realise life is hard and sometimes out of our control.

I had such high hopes for myself but now I can’t help but wonder, maybe I grew up in a bubble of hope and dreams.

At the risk of sounding a little over ambitious I always thought I would make a difference to the world. For me it was never about money or financial wealth but more spiritual wealth and selflessness.

My thoughts and dreams from when I was a child still stay with me now, however over time I have begun to lose sight of them.

Today I am fighting for what I believe in; me.

I’m constantly saying sorry for one thing or another.

I feel I have to say sorry in order to feel I deserve any kind of forgiveness. We all at some point find ourselves apologizing for something we have done, weather it be intentional or unintentional the repercussions are all the same.

When I’m down I take it out on others. When I’m tired I tend to see everything bad in my life at ten fold. This often causes me to be unapproachable to those I care about which leads me to expect the worst in every situation.

I am not about to tell you I have a way out of this but I am going to say there are ways to help you from going down this slippery slope.

There isn’t a quick fix, you need to be constantly analyzing yourself, although with a little help and support we can all stop hurting those around us by using our depression as the excuse.

We all at some point or another will of thought; what is the point.

Maybe there is a question we don’t ask which is far more significant to our lives?

Today I woke to the birds singing in my back yard, something so simple yet we all take this for granted.

I don’t pretend to always love my life but in turn I don’t waste it either.

Some days are better than others and some seem to go on for days, I have the life I have been given and for that I am not always thankful.

I have been going through a particularly bad time recently; I have been suffering quite badly with my depression and anxiety.

Yesterday night I phoned my local mental health team, who advised they don’t work weekends. They gave me the number for the Samaritans because I needed to talk to someone.

After sitting alone in the darkness of my lounge for a while, I decided to give them a call.

I spoke to a woman called Jennifer who was very nice and listened intently to all of my woes. She frequently asked me if I could continue every time I burst into floods of tears.

Maybe I was searching for an answer or some guidance. I felt so lost and overwhelmed with despair.

Whilst listening to me she did help me to realize that somethings are out of our control and sometimes life is unfair.

These things I already knew, but in the darkness I had some how lost my way and forgotten everything I had come to understand about depression and anxiety.

I needed someone yesterday and she was there for me. I don’t know how many other people could truly say they were there for someone today?

Sometimes the most remarkable people who really do make a difference to us have no idea of the importance of their role, or how they will be remembered by those who were in need.

My family are not religious at all, yet they preach to me about doing the right thing and being a good person. Because of this I have always been firmly grounded and thought seeing is believing.

When ever I have been in a church or any other religious place I have always felt a certain belonging; a unique inner peace.

Faith is not necessarily a bad thing. We all need to believe in something in order to see the bigger picture. Maybe I am religious without even knowing it, or perhaps just open to opinion.

In many different religions faith is what drives those who are devoted. It brings them a sense of belonging and enlightenment.

I often wonder what it would be like to feel enlightened - would this cure our inner pain?

If you can, take the time in a morning then recite a positive affirmation about yourself or your life. You should do this for approximately 3 minutes or until you truly believe what you are saying to yourself. Take a moment, and then re-affirm this in the mirror. Then when you reach late afternoon follow the same steps and repeat the same affirmation. Once you have done this you will start to feel more confident in yourself. Make sure you follow this process for at least a couple of weeks with a different affirmation each day. You will then start to feel the full benefits from this form of cognitive therapy.

Today I woke feeling better than I have done for a fair while.

After a moment of clarity I began to understand that we all have bad times and we all have the strength to get through them, what ever the outcome.

Life has a funny way of throwing obstacles into our path to challenge us, but when you come out the other end I’m sure we all feel a little empowered.

We can all achieve sucess in what ever way we choose; the struggle to achieve something is the best part of the journey.

Fear is one of the most common emotions for us all, however I don’t believe we were born with the ability to connect to this part of our brain.

Somewhere along the transition from birth to approximately 3 years of age we all seem to gain this sixth sense of fear and what it is to be afraid.

A small child of 2 years appears to have no fear, they don’t seem to grasp danger and are totally unaware of themselves.

Most parents know if you allowed a child of this age to stumble alone on the side walk then it wouldn’t be long before the child would head towards the road without a care in the world.

I believe that parents and family bring fear into a child from a very small age, often from projecting their own fears on to the child.

Within a depressed person fear is more prominent than usual, a whole life can be revolved around dramatic fear which in turn manifests itself into anxiety.

However if a thought process has been planted into a brain then surely it can be removed.

The basic elements may stay but the fear and self destruction that leads to panic attacks and some forms of O.C.D should be treatable?