Depression Blog

Last night in my dream’s I saw a picture I have always held close to my heart, only in my dream where I was sat the image was blurred. And the more I tried to focus on it the more I faded away.

My dream’s are often vague and the interpretations of them can vary, but this time it was quite clear I was almost no longer there.

It was like a warning for me to take a step back and think of what it is I want from life and if indeed I wanted to continue the struggle.

When I woke I was frantic and scared of what this could mean to me, do I really want to just fade away to nothing?

I have family who love me very much and a very understanding partner who has supported me through all the good and bad times.

Maybe if i just took some time to focus on me and what I want to achieve in my life despite the huddles i may have to overcome along the way.

Sometimes I have quiet moment when I choose to reflect on what has been before.

It is whilst thinking like this I become aware of turning points I have whilst stuggling with my illness.

When I first suffered from Panic Attacks I found there was no way out or of stopping the attack at all, I just had to ride it untill it was over having very little if any control over it.

Things are very different now, I feel I am aware when a Panic Attack is approaching and I start with talking myself through why I feel panic right now.

Then I start with the deep breaths and mentally I take myself to somewhere safe for me.

And if for some reason this does’nt seem to dull the panic then I would remove myself from the situation and take myself out of the room or building and talk the emotions through with myself there.

Everyone finds their own way of dealing with every obstacle they are faced with and what works for one person may not work for another but i can only hope that in sharing my struggle you may find strength to continue yours.

When I was first offered counseling like most people I found myself thinking but I am not mad or anything like that, I am quite sane I just don’t like my life very much and the way I feel alot of the time.

Little did I know then this would be the best thing that I could possible do for me at that moment in time.

Talking to a complete stranger and off loading everything and anything I felt negative about and just being able to talk to someone outside of my situation kept me sane.

After year I still revert back to counseling as and when I feel I need it, being able to talk to someone who doesn’t know me at all gives me great strength to be totally honest and not hold back on what I am feeling and thinking.

I call my councilor my sounding board and we all need one of them even if they are disguised as our parents, our friends or even our partners without knowing it we seek this in every aspect of our lives.

When you are in the pit of depression only those who truly suffer from this illness will be able to even begin to imagine what you are going through.

This is not to say that someone who doesn’t suffer won’t be able to help you or be there for you.

From my experience there is nothing worse than hearing ’snap out of it’ or ‘let’s have a cup of tea’ and unfortunately sometimes that is all people seem to say.

I don’t know about you but always remember thinking since when has a cup of tea solved every body’s problems?

But the key is to not get mad or push the blame on to everyone around you.

It was so easy for me to off load all my anger on to other people when they just didn’t seem to understand.

I was so sure that they didn’t care and to be honest didn’t even want me around.

Things do take time though and it is a struggle, my very first step was learning how to smile again and truly mean it.

We all have the ability to become amazing people and the kind of people that would make us all proud.

So why do we so often sit back and think we are fine the way we are, even to the point where we refuse to constructively criticize ourselves?

I think we have two kind of people who suffer from depression, those who judge and criticize themselves constantly and those who believe they are great people who have had something terrible destroy their lives.

There is always going to be someone who has had a far worse life than you or I, therefor I refuse to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self pity.

Depression is a terrible thing for anyone to go through but it will do us all no harm to think of those in less fortunate situations.

When I feel low and cry into my pillow I am going to make a promise to myself to think of those who don’t have food to live or shelter from the cold.

I really do think that putting your problems and worries into perspective would make them less prominent and in turn making you less anxious.

Everyone will find their own way of dealing with each obstacle that is put in front of them.

However like anything if you have the knowledge and advice from someone who has been there then you’d rather learn from others than make a few mistakes along the way.

Unfortunately I didn’t have this privileged and I did make a few mistakes along the way and now I am still paying for them.

£10,000 to be exact, this is what has been hanging over me like a dark cloud for a long time and has contributed to my prolonged depression.

Like many people I have had loses in my life and I believe that is the main factor of my initial diagnosis but always having this debt hanging over my head doesn’t help my recovery at all.

Depression is all about the state of mind and thought process, whilst I am consciously trying to overcome the negativity in my life I will always carry a glimpse of it around with me whilst I owe this money.

I am actively trying to resolve this part of my life and address it rather than bury my head in the sand but it is a constant battle to face my fears how ever small or large they may seem in comparison to yours.

In your life as in mine we should all find our own way and do what ever makes us happy and learn to put ourselves ahead of others on occasion.

One of the most important bits of advice I could every give anyone suffering from this illness is make sure you take the time and spend it with yourself.

Get to know yourself again, because you wont ever be the same person you were before your depression.

Be understanding to your own feelings and the way you think now, and don’t be afraid to question yourself and your thought processes.

This is not a negative thing unless you allow it to be, take charge of your own recovery and forgive yourself for all those mistakes well all make and pick yourself back up and start again.

Approach each day with positivity, even when you feel you can’t go on remember you are not on your own and make that first step to loving yourself.

We all deserve happiness but that’s doesn’t mean it will come easily and to hope or expect it to be plain sailing would only bring disappointment and negativity.

I am not going to say this is a simple or light process after nearly 6 years I am still trying to implement this in to my everyday life.

But when I evaluate my negativity and and make this my constant thought process it does become easier with every day.

Today I decided to take some time to set aside a list of goals.

There are a lot of things I would love to do in my life but some of these are more important than others.

My more important list is a follows:

Manage my depression and Anxiety better

Do a job I love

Own my own house

Pass my driving test

Get married

Have children

Have at least one holiday a year

Swim with Dolphins

Take time to smile

Enjoy being me