Archive for September, 2008

Is it just thoughts or is it my intuition?09.07.08

Recently I have found it very difficult to keep from feeling paranoid and uncertain about a certain aspects of my life.

When I feel this way it’s increasingly hard to function normally, those thoughts and feelings are always at the forefront of my mind.

It is hard to decipher weather this is a genuine feeling that could affect anyone or if it is solely anxiety related. I think if I knew this, then it would make a massive difference to the way I approach the situation.

Since I was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety it is hard for me to trust my thoughts and feelings anyway, I often pass them off as being related to my illness. Maybe this isn’t the case and it is all normal; but it is near to impossible to tell.

I just feel like I don’t have control over my own mind, I never know what to think and end up behaving irrationally.

Posted in My Depressionwith 4 Comments →

Is moving out together supposed to be so stressful?09.05.08

Recently me and my partner have started arguing about moving out and what sort of place we want to live in, what we would need for the house.

I really don’t want to argue about these types of things and I want us moving out to be a good thing and not cause problems between us.

I have asked a couple of people about getting a house and did they find it stressful, did it cause arguments? I get the impression the general consensus is yes. But I don’t want this to become a negative thing for us I really don’t know what to do about this.

My partner says it’s me causing the problems due to the way I react to things, I don’t communicate with him properly. Obviously this leaves me feeling down and depressed and constantly questioning what I do and say.

I’m left thinking was he right when he said I caused this; Is it my depression or is it just the way I am?

He may be right and it could be me causing these problems but I feel it isn’t just one sided. It really frustrates me the way he doesn’t listen to what I say, like my opinions count for nothing unless he agrees with what I say.

I know I can be very opinionated and over react at times but it’s only because I care and I just want things to be perfect. Although this is something I am working on, I do want to be less uptight about things.

The more I think about the arguments we have had recently the more I think how silly they are, I need to be able to say what I feel though and not feel like I can’t out of fear for how he will react.

A lot of the time I find I am challenging myself to be better and deal with situations better, I just wish he would do the same too. I hate feeling like this is all about my journey, not because I want to share blame but he doesn’t seem to see his own flaws or how he may have fuelled the situation.

I feel that when we do have confrontation I am solely driven by emotion, I think this is because I get the impression he either doesn’t care what I think or just doesn’t respect me enough to listen.

A relationship in my mind is about two people who may not always agree but want to understand each other. You can’t have this without communication and being willing to listen and respect what each other thinks enough to listen.

I know that I love him and want to be able to communicate better with him but I do believe this takes both of us to work at it. People may say moving out is stressful but it doesn’t mean we have to accept that and follow the crowd.

Posted in My Depressionwith No Comments →

Darkness – A poem about war and losing those we love09.03.08

This is such a sombre and yet glorious interpretation of war. I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with despair, loss and reflection as if I had been there and witnessed these events first hand.

I am a great fan of Lord Byron’s poetry however I do find that war is a subject that rarely touches me emotionally. I was left feeling vulnerable and scared by the way I had been manipulated by the poet.

When Lord Byron recalls;
“Even dogs assailed their masters, all save one,
And he was faithful to a corpse, and kept
The birds and beasts and famished men at bay”
This is something that really brought the text to life for me, I wept in the thought of this poor animal sitting beside its master guarding his very bones whilst unable to comprehend what has happened.

A brilliant and unique insight into war detailing the physical and mental destruction that comes along with it.

I had a dream, which was not all a dream.
The bright sun was extinguished, and the stars
Did wander darkling in the eternal space,
Ray less, and pathless, and the icy earth
Swung blind and blackening in the moonless air;
Morn came, and went and came, and brought no day,
And men forgot their passions in the dread
Of this desolation; and all hearts
Were chilled into a selfish prayer for light:
And they did live by watch fires - and the thrones,
The palaces of crowned kings, the huts,
The habitations of all things which dwell,
Were burnt for beacons; cities were consumed,
And men were gathered round their blazing homes
To look once more into each other’s face;
Happy were those who dwelt within the eye
Of the volcano’s, and their mountain-torch:
A fearful hope was all the world contained;
Forest were set on fire but hour by hour
They fell and faded and the crackling trunks
Extinguished with a crash and all was black.
The brows of men by the despairing light
Wore an unearthly aspect, as by fits
The flashes fell upon them; some lay down
And hid their eyes and wept; and some did rest
Their chins upon their clenched hands, and smiled;
And others hurried to and fro, and fed
Their funeral piles with fuel, and looked up
With mad disquietude on the dull sky,
The pall of a past world; and then again
With curses cast them down upon the dust,
And gnashed their teeth and howled: the wild birds shrieked,
And, terrified, did flutter on the ground,
And flap their useless wings; the wildest brutes
Came tame and tremolos; and vipers crawled
And twined themselves among the multitude,
Hissing, but sting less, they were slain for food:
And War, which for a moment was no more,
Did glut himself again; a meal was bought
With blood, and each sate sullenly apart
Gorging himself in gloom: no love was left;
All earth was but one thought and that was death,
Immediate and inglorious; and the pang
Of famine fed upon all entrails men
Died, and their bones were tomb less as their flesh;
The meagre by the meagre were devoured,
Even dogs assailed their masters, all save one,
And he was faithful to a corpse, and kept
The birds and beasts and famished men at bay,
Till hunger clung them, or the dropping dead
Lured their lank jaws; himself sought out no food,
But with a piteous and perpetual moan
And a quick desolate cry, licking the hand
Which answered not with a caress, he died.
The crowd was famished by degrees; but two
Of an enormous city did survive, And they were enemies;
They met beside
The dying embers of an altar-place
Where had been heaped a mass of holy things
For an unholy usage; they raked up,
And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands
The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath

Blew for a little life, and made a flame
Which was a mockery; then they lifted up
Their eyes as it grew lighter, and
Each other’s aspects. Saw, and shrieked, and died, beheld
Even of their mutual hideousness they died,
Unknowing who he was upon whose brow
Famine had written Fiend. The world was void,
The populous and the powerful was a lump,
Season less, herbless, treeless, man less, lifeless,
A lump of death, a chaos of hard clay.
The rivers, lakes, and ocean stood still,
And nothing stirred within their silent depths;
Ships sailor less lay rotting on the sea,
And their masts fell down piecemeal; as they dropped
They slept on the abyss without a surge
The waves were dead; the tides were in their grave,
The moon their mistress had expired before;
The winds were withered in the stagnant air,
And the clouds perished; Darkness had no need
Of aid from them. She was the universe.

- Lord Byron

Posted in Poetrywith No Comments →

A Quote For Loving Someone09.01.08

The love that is held in life is so often seen as no longer there after death. Love knows no bounds and beyond even death we can love one another.

I can really relate to this quote and feel the passion and drive behind each and every word.

This quote comes from a very popular series called “Ally McBeal” and for those who followed this programme Ally was; and still is an inspiration to us all.

We should all be as lucky to have someone who will never let us go,
The ultimate legacy is to leave behind someone who will love you forever.

- Ally McBeal

Posted in Quoteswith 1 Comment →

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