Depression Blog

After another sleepless night, sometimes I wonder is it my depression that keeps me awake or the fact I can’t stop my mind from going into over drive when I want to relax.

Endless night’s and always having to fight, my life will end soon and real friend’s will understand and remember me every full moon.

- Anonymous

For as long as I can remember there has always been just me and my dad.

And unlike some people, I just feel like I never want to leave him because I am all he has.

We have been through everything together, losing my mum, my first step, my first word and my first love right the way through my depression to where I am today.

He has seen me grow into the young woman I am and although he often tells me what I do wrong I can see in his eyes he still dotes on me.

The affection and love is hard for my dad to express particularly as I have got older but it doesn’t mean he loves me any less.

There would never be anyone who could replace my dad, nor would I ever want there to be.

When I have been in my darkest hours he has been there to guide me through and has held my hand when I have needed to walk that step behind.

Because of the person my dad is to me, I will always hold him close to my heart and carry him with me where ever the road shall take me.

We all need someone to help us through and to guide the way; someone to whom we can look up to and relate.

I have been fortunate enough in my life to have been loved and to have loved.

But does anyone really know when it is the right time to give up on the love and move on?

To be loved by someone comes the ability to hurt them, and although you may never want to hurt that person isn’t it inevitable you will at some point.

And with this knowledge would it not be a happier life to never let yourself fall in-love?

I have been in relationships in the past that have brought me to tears on many occasions and I have asked myself is this really how you want to be?

Is it possible any one person can make you stronger without weakening you at the same time.

My demon’s take over my life and I have a constant fight on my hands with them alone, so is it really fair to bring someone else into my struggle?

This is a very famous quote which inspires me to always find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hope is like the sun, which as we journey towards it

Casts the shadow of burden behind us.

- Samuel Smiles

Reflection is always down to interpretation, and this poem to me stands for all that is great about memories and captions we carry in our heads.

Most moments in time and pigments of our imagination are down to how we perceive them to be.

Looking at your picture your clutching those tiny blue flowers they remind me of you,

Frail, yet blooming with a delicate strength

You, we had seemed invincible,

Just the two of us

Our own private wonder world, our own special love,

Memories crowd inside my head like shadows inside a forgotten attic

But unlike shadows, each one carries it’s own magical light,

You were so confident we could make it

If we can with stand this you said then we can with stand anything,

But now your gone.

- Anonymous

At the moment I feel I am covered in spots all over my face, not small one’s but great big one’s all under my skin.

I’ve been really anxious for a while and I know this is bringing me out in spots and I keep getting really stressed too.

I’ve got some of this Clean & Clear Advantage quick clear spot treatment gel but I’m not sure if it is working or just irritating my skin a bit?

I can’t think of anything else that may work but it’s bringing me right down because I look awful.

I keep waking with the same bad dream, I feel I am falling and when I manage to go back to sleep I fall again.

Although I do not see anything when I fall I am quite aware I am doing it but there is no ground beneath me just a haze.

Managing my sleep is a lot easier than it used to be, as I often found myself lying awake for hours and sometimes feeling I had had no sleep at all.

I make sure I am up and moving around quite early in a morning then I keep myself busy for the day with a fairly structured routine.

It would however be quite easy to slip back into lying in till late because I feel bad some days, but it wouldn’t benefit me in the end as it would become a vicious cycle.

Structure and routine are a massive part of my life knowing what I am doing when.

This sometimes can become a pain for others though as I see my partner on certain nights a week and if for some reason he needs to change the night I can become a little uneasy about it to say the least.

But this is where I need his support and understanding and slowly I am starting to relax more about certain elements of my need for familiarity.

And although this may seem quite abnormal this is a part of my illness and one by one I will break all my boundaries because I know I am more than capable.

Everyone will find their own way of dealing with each obstacle that is put in front of them.

However like anything if you have the knowledge and advice from someone who has been there then you’d rather learn from others than make a few mistakes along the way.

Unfortunately I didn’t have this privileged and I did make a few mistakes along the way and now I am still paying for them.

£10,000 to be exact, this is what has been hanging over me like a dark cloud for a long time and has contributed to my prolonged depression.

Like many people I have had loses in my life and I believe that is the main factor of my initial diagnosis but always having this debt hanging over my head doesn’t help my recovery at all.

Depression is all about the state of mind and thought process, whilst I am consciously trying to overcome the negativity in my life I will always carry a glimpse of it around with me whilst I owe this money.

I am actively trying to resolve this part of my life and address it rather than bury my head in the sand but it is a constant battle to face my fears how ever small or large they may seem in comparison to yours.

In your life as in mine we should all find our own way and do what ever makes us happy and learn to put ourselves ahead of others on occasion.

I want a normal life so much and do things everyone else does too.

But having this illness has distroyed most of that for me, and I cant ever see me coming out of this even half the person I was before.

Just cant help wonder what I have done so bad to have this happen to me?

I honestly dont know anyone that has suffered from this, and if they have they dont even want to share this information with me.

Sometimes I just wish I had someone who knew what I was going through, maybe then I could lay some demons to rest?

Even just to have a shoulder to cry on would be nice most times.

This quote has helped me see through some of my darkest days and seen me to thinking more about what I want I am capable of achieving rather than what I can not accomplish.

I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true.

I am not bound to succeed, but I am bound to live up to the light I have been given.

- Abraham Lincoln