Depression Blog

Last night in my dream’s I saw a picture I have always held close to my heart, only in my dream where I was sat the image was blurred. And the more I tried to focus on it the more I faded away.

My dream’s are often vague and the interpretations of them can vary, but this time it was quite clear I was almost no longer there.

It was like a warning for me to take a step back and think of what it is I want from life and if indeed I wanted to continue the struggle.

When I woke I was frantic and scared of what this could mean to me, do I really want to just fade away to nothing?

I have family who love me very much and a very understanding partner who has supported me through all the good and bad times.

Maybe if i just took some time to focus on me and what I want to achieve in my life despite the huddles i may have to overcome along the way.

What do our animals mean to us?

I have a lovely dog Thomas and two very curious but loving cats called Sukie and Charlie.

Thomas has helped me a lot through my depression and helped keep me occupied too, Sukie sleeps with me at night and Charlie sleeps under my dad’s bed.

My animals mean a lot more to me than a lot of the people in my life and around me.

It’s hard to explain but I have always valued animals lives over humans due to their naivety and inability to defend themselves against the destruction we cause.

A dog would wait eagerly by the door for it’s owner to come home from work, then the owner would beat the animal regularly each night.

Without fail you will find that Dog would still be a loyal animal and have no understanding of why it’s master does this.

Animals need to be protected, protected against us.

Sometimes I have quiet moment when I choose to reflect on what has been before.

It is whilst thinking like this I become aware of turning points I have whilst stuggling with my illness.

When I first suffered from Panic Attacks I found there was no way out or of stopping the attack at all, I just had to ride it untill it was over having very little if any control over it.

Things are very different now, I feel I am aware when a Panic Attack is approaching and I start with talking myself through why I feel panic right now.

Then I start with the deep breaths and mentally I take myself to somewhere safe for me.

And if for some reason this does’nt seem to dull the panic then I would remove myself from the situation and take myself out of the room or building and talk the emotions through with myself there.

Everyone finds their own way of dealing with every obstacle they are faced with and what works for one person may not work for another but i can only hope that in sharing my struggle you may find strength to continue yours.

I have a check list to enable me to be more positive and less negative towards my own thoughts and feelings, which will in turn make me a better person to others.

Be happy for everyone and anyone

Do not be envious

Do not judge

Be optimistic

Help others by supporting them

Do not recent others for their achievements

Be more positive and open minded

Do not find your self analysing others or yourself unless it is in a productive way

Take a moment to love yourself

Take a life time to reflect on everything you have done and all you have achieved

With following this process I do believe I will become a better person and someone people will come to when they need a friend.

When I was first offered counseling like most people I found myself thinking but I am not mad or anything like that, I am quite sane I just don’t like my life very much and the way I feel alot of the time.

Little did I know then this would be the best thing that I could possible do for me at that moment in time.

Talking to a complete stranger and off loading everything and anything I felt negative about and just being able to talk to someone outside of my situation kept me sane.

After year I still revert back to counseling as and when I feel I need it, being able to talk to someone who doesn’t know me at all gives me great strength to be totally honest and not hold back on what I am feeling and thinking.

I call my councilor my sounding board and we all need one of them even if they are disguised as our parents, our friends or even our partners without knowing it we seek this in every aspect of our lives.

When I first approached my dad asking for his support in my illness I have to be honest and say he was less than able to give me what I needed from my family unit.

A very good man with high morals, a very proud person yet he was unable to comprehend what it was I was asking of him.

The more I have searched information and listened to other people I have become to realise this really is quite normal.

How could you possibly help support anybody in any situation when you are not aware what it is they require from you, it isn’t as simple as lending someone money or supporting them in a more obvious way.

Over time I have become more and more aware that if my dad doesn’t have the information on my illness and the knowledge of what I will need from him to support me, then I wasn’t going to get it.

Awareness of Depression and Anxiety is higher now than when I was first diagnosed but I am more than aware that the information for people supporting someone with this illness isn’t always readily available.

Searching online and speaking to my councillor made me realise it wasn’t my fathers fault he wasn’t really supporting me it was that he needed to know what it was I require from him.

I find my dad is a lot better with me now although he still struggles himself sometimes but anyone would as this illness takes it’s toll on everyone involved.

But my life is made that bit easier every time I sit down with my dad and chat about how I am feeling and just take the time to just enjoy the interaction too, otherwise I could quite easily shut myself away sometimes.

When you are in the pit of depression only those who truly suffer from this illness will be able to even begin to imagine what you are going through.

This is not to say that someone who doesn’t suffer won’t be able to help you or be there for you.

From my experience there is nothing worse than hearing ’snap out of it’ or ‘let’s have a cup of tea’ and unfortunately sometimes that is all people seem to say.

I don’t know about you but always remember thinking since when has a cup of tea solved every body’s problems?

But the key is to not get mad or push the blame on to everyone around you.

It was so easy for me to off load all my anger on to other people when they just didn’t seem to understand.

I was so sure that they didn’t care and to be honest didn’t even want me around.

Things do take time though and it is a struggle, my very first step was learning how to smile again and truly mean it.

Death is never the end, but if you live in the past you will surely suffer and tarnish the loss you have felt within.

People live on inside us for as long as we allow them to do so, we all need to hang on to those we miss.

I need to say goodbye although your with me,

I stand beside your grave, yet you are here

I miss you terribly and I hope you miss me,

But when I turn to you, your always near

I talk to you as though you lived within me,

Not changed but simply moved in from outside

I know each day you must a little leave me,

But here, as always, you must be my guide

You were, and are, and will be, just as ever,

I’m many minds, and hearts not only mine

No physical event can such love sever,

Death is a dimension, not a line

And so goodbye does not mean you are gone,

So long as I still love you, you live on.

- Anonymous

Remembering back even to my childhood I don’t think I have ever really been a bad person.

I have made mistakes and some regrets like anyone else, but I would never change my life or the person I am today.

It is easy to have those feelings that you are terrible or hate yourself even, I have been there so many times I don’t care to remember.

Finding you are not such a bad person and in actual fact are only human, could be a massive learning curve for anyone.

We all will hurt someone, and we all will lie about something at some point but learning from these mistakes is what makes us unique.

We all have the ability to become amazing people and the kind of people that would make us all proud.

So why do we so often sit back and think we are fine the way we are, even to the point where we refuse to constructively criticize ourselves?

I think we have two kind of people who suffer from depression, those who judge and criticize themselves constantly and those who believe they are great people who have had something terrible destroy their lives.

There is always going to be someone who has had a far worse life than you or I, therefor I refuse to feel sorry for myself and wallow in my own self pity.

Depression is a terrible thing for anyone to go through but it will do us all no harm to think of those in less fortunate situations.

When I feel low and cry into my pillow I am going to make a promise to myself to think of those who don’t have food to live or shelter from the cold.

I really do think that putting your problems and worries into perspective would make them less prominent and in turn making you less anxious.