Depression Blog

I’m not sure what it is I seek in my life - all I do know is that I’m constantly searching for something to make me feel content.

Maybe it is that not everyone feels contentment in their life at any point, but I feel this is something I need to have.

It’s like I know I’m missing something but I just can’t put my finger on what?

All I do know for sure is I am never going to feel complete without it.

How will I ever know what this is though?

As scary as it may sound I really do fear not finding this something, because my life seems almost pointless without it.

There are so many people who just float about life without a care in the world and I cant help but resent that, as everyday is a struggle just to raise my head.

To see me I would only assume you wouldn’t notice anything different, there aren’t any tell tail signs I’m suffering beneath the pretence anyone who suffers puts on.

I want to make a difference and make people aware of what depression can do to a person and the way they live their lives, but in order to do that I must accept the struggles I face in even my day to day life.

Truly I do believe there is only one person who can save me from myself and that is me, but if only logic worked on depression I could set myself free.

Today I made a very important decision, not only will I look back with grace but I will look on the images both mentally and physically from my past as a positive thing.

I need not worry about what has been before as I have my future to approach with a more positive light.

With my illness I will always have hard times and struggle with the smaller things in life, but I believe if I try to avoid the negative thoughts and overwhelm myself with the positives then my struggle will only ever become less painful in the long run.

If I raise my spirits by looking more favourably on what I have previously seen as mistakes made in my life rather than learning curves then my outlook should gradually change.

Every year around the same date my sister’s and their children go to the crematorium to pay respect to my mother.

After 24 years I still have never been there, not even on the day when she was cremated was I was thought to be too young.

I have always been told it wasn’t a place to take a child.

My mother has little place in my memories if any at all, I was too young really to remember but when I do bring her up in conversation people always say “don’t you remember her waving goodbye to you through the curtains”?

To me a child a little under three years old has only selective memory if any at all, and even when I do think I recall something there is no way to tell if I really am.

Now I have more peace with the loss of my mother and very little resentment towards those who were fortunate enough to know her.

My one wish will always be to have her know how much I love her and always will.

Some things seem so small yet have the power to render you helpless and this is my weakness and for that I am not ever going to be ashamed.

I lost my world along time ago and now I have to rebuild what I can of my existence and find point in the puzzle which I call my life.

My heart belongs to her and until I can find my way through this then it does feel as though I have no room for anyone else.

Forever yours my darling mother.

Today I made a big decision about my relationship with my partner, something I have known for a while.

I thought he was someone he clearly isn’t and unfortunately it has taken me over 2 years to see this.

When you are desperate you realise who your real friends are and who is or isn’t worth all that much in your life.

I honestly don’t feel he has the time for me nor the patience to be there when I need him most.

Really I feel I should be more upset about this but I feel so relieved aside from anything.

No more crying about him or having him tell me I am looking at everything the wrong way in his eyes.

But now I know the only thing wrong in my life is him.

I have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety for almost 6 years and still struggle daily to overcome.

With my blog I hope to offer practical advice and help people come to terms with their illness and how it affects others around them.

Through my experiences I hope to share tips on managing your feelings, encouraging positivity and familiarise you with self help techniques that continue to help me.

If you would like more information on my personal struggle or to read more about my story please see My Story.

Our main website My Fight With Depression provides factual information and resources that may help you further in understanding depression and anxiety.

Here on the blog I will be holding personal interviews with suffers of Depression and Anxiety, answering your questions and addressing more personal issues and effects this illness has on not only the sufferers but also their support units.

Thank you for reading and I hope you can find something useful here to help you. If you wish to ask a question, contribute, offer suggestions or just talk please feel free to get in touch.