Depression Blog

Today I found myself walking into hospital, no known reason but to just ask for help.

The skin on the side of my cheeks and on my hands were raw, from the constant dragging of the little I have of nails along it.

Since I can remember I have always bitten my nails aggressively, but I have started to claw my face and hands not in need of attention but to release some of the pain I am feeling.

Maybe to punish myself in some way but the feeling becomes so intense I cant stop till I draw blood. It is an escape route for me.

I tried to ask for help but instead I found myself in the chapel, asking my mum to come and help me.

But just like every other time in my life when I felt I needed her most she wasn’t there.

Although I have never been religious sometimes I find Solis in the hope she may one day answer my calls.

Maybe I’m just lost searching for someone that just isn’t there?

Today I woke dreading the day ahead, I had managed to get about four hours sleep.

I don’t know what came over me but spending time alone with my thoughts always leads to me desperately wanting someone to talk too.

I knew today just wasn’t going to go well for me, after my morning shakes and nervousness I managed to pull myself together and have a hot bath to soak away my restless night.

I find being occupied helps me but you can’t always surround yourself with people, but not just that sometimes that can add fuel to the fire.

I often end up trembling and nervous in crowd’s just wanting to escape to be alone.

People say think positive and forget the negatives but it isn’t always that easy, not in my world anyway.

Today I decided to take some time to set aside a list of goals.

There are a lot of things I would love to do in my life but some of these are more important than others.

My more important list is a follows:

Manage my depression and Anxiety better

Do a job I love

Own my own house

Pass my driving test

Get married

Have children

Have at least one holiday a year

Swim with Dolphins

Take time to smile

Enjoy being me

A very simple yet effective piece, whilst using a play on words no-one can truly disagree that you do not die alone.

To me, my final breath will be the start of the final chapter in my life, and possibly the happiest day for me.

Life is like a four leafed clover,

Then you die and the pain is all over,

Is destiny sitting and waiting for death,

Everyone I know will miss my final breath.

- Anonymous

Today I was officially declared bankrupt!

This took me so long to do, as I constantly thought this was a cowards way out.

After years of trying to pay off my debts and struggling, I ended up falling ill with depression again which I am sure was due to the stress of it all!

One of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make in my life but I am certain it will be my best yet.

No matter what I do I can’t seem to shake the feeling everyone around me is moving on with their lives and making something of themselves.

Weather it be relationship wise or family or even career I still feel I am being left behind somewhat.

I know it isn’t just me and that it is quite normal to feel like this, but my friends I went to school with are all moving on and I feel I’m stuck in a rut.

Generally feeling really unhappy about it a lot of the time, people all around me are taking risks and I’m being held back.

Just knowing I want more and knowing what it is I want makes me think maybe I will never get it if I keep letting myself be grounded.

This quote is something we could all apply to daily life as it inspires me to be more positive in the way I analyse my moods.

Keep your face to the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.

- Walt Whitman

Today I found myself in a pet shop in the town centre, their was one puppy stood alone in this tiny little cage with no brothers or sisters to keep him company.

My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to ask if I could hold the puppy, of course the shop assistant was keen to sell the last puppy so she unlocked the cage and passed the puppy into my arms.

When I held him his little eyes looked up into mine and he snuggled his head under my arm, he was so tiny and fragile and all I could do was nurse him in my arms.

For the first time in a long while I felt needed and warm inside and I couldn’t let him go so asked the shop assistant if I could take him.

An hour later I came to collect him with a cardigan to wrap him in for the taxi journey home. I now feel I have someone to share my darkest hours with and bring joy to my life whilst raising a puppy of my own.

I named my puppy Thomas and he reminds me so much of Bambi the way he bounces around whilst being unsteady on his feet.

My light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m happy on my own now, could of been difficult at times being alone and having no one to cuddle.

Fortunately I have cuddles and someone to be there for me but weather we will become more than friends who knows?

At the moment I am not looking for love just someone to talk to and a friend, he seems to understand me but I have to say “Once bitten twice shy”.

I do miss my partner though, he was everything I thought I wanted until he went and changed.

Love just isn’t always enough and putting myself first and having some fun is my priority now.

I constantly feel like I am on my own. Anyone can say “I will be there for you” but you find when you need those people most they are no where to be seen.

Understandably you realise who your real friends are in situations like this, but when it comes to family and partners you kind of expect more from them or at least I did. If you don’t have people helping around you then how can you get better?

Not just now, but all the time I wish I had someone to turn to without having to feel guilty that you have called upon them. I just want someone to listen to me instead of just hearing what they want to and turning the conversation into how it resembles their problems.

Some day I am certain someone will understand and maybe we can be there for each other as support partners because no one has the time for me right now.